So this is basically a rant to sort of help me out of the confused mind that reigns on me these days. I’m weak, and that’s something I don’t like about myself. I have my strong Iman moments, where everything is so easy and just possible to do. And then I have my weak moments, when I seem to think Islam is just too hard.
I can’t really blame anyone, because basically I control a lot of who I am and who I want to be. Yes, my society influences me; my friends, my family, my environment everything does. But I should still have the power to ignore, to push away the changes I don’t want to see myself being affected by.
But I still seem to be affected by them. I’m working on myself though.
The thing is, I live in a weird society. A society where cultural Islam is more important than what Islam should be. And if anyone tries to follow what is actually to be followed, that person ends up being in a very hard place. The shameful bit is, I live in an Islamic state. A state where following your Deen should be easier for you, instead, it is hard. Not hard because people say following Islam is wrong, but hard because;
- We have our own interpretation of what is Islamic and what is not Islamic. We have decided for ourselves what the Quraan means on what occasions, even if the entire world is following it one way.
- The new and secular ideas, a lot of which have been proved wrong on so many occasions, are being preferred over Islamic values, because somehow it’s “cooler”. I know, we are unbelievable at times.
- We as a people are inclined to adopt Western ideas and ways of living, it has actually achieved the level of being a status symbol. If you know how to speak English, you will be listened to with rapt attention, if you, on the other hand, are trying to learn Arabic, you are automatically regarded as someone beneath a specific class of society.
Let’s take my struggle these days as an example. I’m trying to start wearing the jilbab (yes I’m so bad I don’t wear it), but nobody gives me a smile about it. Only a minute fraction of society tries to encourage me for it; people my age think I’m plain mental. I tried talking to my friends about it, they didn’t really respond. One of them told me my kameez/kurta was covering me just fine. But that’s just the thing, I wanted to say to her, it doesn’t cover me fine! They’re actually worried I might turn into a dull, extremist Muslim who will turn into this black bag walking around saying nothing. But I won’t! I’ll still be the same person, the same happy, social, fun (I know I’m so humble about myself), slightly sarcastic, interested-in-everything girl!
People are morally conscious, and that’s something we have to be, too, obviously, but that seems to be enough for them. I’m quite sure there are more proper striving Muslims, but my point is, they are a very small part of my society.
Out of my friends, I am the only one who cares about this hijab business. And so I turn to my blog, through which I’ve turned into a more positive person. This is my Islamic social circle in a way, and I’m glad I have this to keep me motivated.
It’s just, I know I don’t care what anyone thinks of me and I know it doesn’t matter, it won’t matter at all when we stand in front of Allah, but there’s still this nagging feeling at the back that screams at me to forget about it. The voice that brings up what everyone else says, that it isn’t important. The heart should be clean, practical Islam isn’t that important.
I know that voice is Shaytaan, and I know that since I seem to have such opposition I must be doing something right.
It’s a weird world.
The good thing is, though, I think I finally found out how I want my blog to look like. Yay 🙂