This is not one of my regular posts, but I needed to let this out so I’m going to go ahead and post away.
I’m cool to socialize with, I’m not being egoistical, it’s just what it is. But even when I’m talking to someone and listening to them drone on and on about their life and the so many ‘important’ things they do which in reality have absolutely no interest for me, I’m still trying. Trying to make people like me as a person. Even when I don’t like someone, I will never be rude to them, on the contrary I’d try and be the ‘nice girl’, the nice girl who then has to listen to everybody because no one else wants to.
Maybe it’s because of that attitude that I see through people too much now. And I’m not interested in socializing with new people anymore. I don’t want to. Maybe I’ve had a few rough experiences, but rough experiences is what teaches. And yes, there’s something to be learned from everyone, but I’d rather not learn from everyone. I’d rather not comb through their aimless lives where the biggest problem is they don’t have the right clothes because folks have already ‘seen’ certain clothes and now they can’t repeat them, or that their hair isn’t straight enough.
I feel exhausted. Socializing exhausts me at times. The only time it refreshes me is when I talk to my best friend, and I only have the luxury of having one of those. I think, why should I start pondering over things which never have had the importance in my life as they have had in others? Why should I even bother to go through the hassle? Why have people indulged themselves so much in things that don’t matter? And why forget the things that do matter? Then our community complains about depression.
I don’t even like going out with most people anymore. I can’t stand the fakeness, the artificial reality they’ve made for themselves. And I certainly can’t stand it when they expect me to join all that. I cannot do it. I’d rather stay at home where it’s nice and real, or roam about some massive meadow.
I want to go live in the mountains, where the air is fresh and free from the strange, unthinking world. Where I have the liberty of thinking without criticism, walking without worry. Where there are no people except the minority I care about and cherish.
Does anyone else feel as if it’s been too much? There’s too much, as I like to call it, plasticity around us? I want to escape. I’m scared I might turn into a mindless robot, too, and I can only pray to Allah that I don’t.
Because if I did, I’d be the greatest of my own enemies.